Big in Japan

And on to Japan. We arrived at Tokyo airport to face a new language, a new subway system to negotiate and getting used to not being the star attraction anymore. None of this matters, because the Japanese are just so nice and helpful. We headed off to our hostel (K's House, near Kuramae station, if you're in the area, stay here) which was probably the best we'd seen on our travels, and got acquainted with the sights waiting for us in Tokyo.

Luckily for us, Tokyo is surprisingly quiet on the temple front, and the best one around was a short walk away. Bargain, gave us something to do in the rain - seems there were a couple of tropical storms in the area and the weather was a touch damp and a little on the windy side...


There you go, Sensi-Jo temple. It's either Buddhist or Shinto, and probably quite old.
Thats unlike you Col - so vague on details... do I detect a wee touch of the blase? Maybe I'd better take over for a while.

Where are we, ah yes the typhoon has passed by now, so lets busy ourselves with some non-temple thing such as watching barely dressed people lunge at each other. Its an amateur Sumo match and while some of the competitors obviously take their hobby very seriously and have been scoffing down the pies, others are tiny creatures that I fear will become pancaked during the afternoon.


Now for a quick browse round town. With its electronic and high-tech super stores, posh malls and neon pouring out of every spare pore; Tokyo is a veritable whirlwind. You can catch glimpses of elegant ladies wearing kimono side by side with the latest fashions (it appears that shorts worn with knee high socks and high heels are IN right now).And if this isn't enough the local teenagers dress up at weekends to add that extra touch of surrealism - was that Little Bo Peep I just saw queing up for a Wendy's burger?

Anyway, no time to chat got to get an early night, we're up at 5 tomorrow to go to the famous fish market.

Beep Beep Beep. Wakey wakey rise and shine. Woah don't the subways look empty at this time of day, and the streets are really deserted. And the fish market, it looks like a ghost town. Hold on a sec, shouldn't this place be buzzing with activity? Why is there no-one in the auction room? Something smells very fishy about all this. What's that you say - today is a National holiday and everything is shut?
Right.
Right.


Kababashi road, Steaming bowls of Ramen, the moon festival, tea ceremony in the park, it all passes by in a blur... the bright lights of Shinjuku seem just a bit too sparkly and come 1am I'm ready for bed.

Beep Beep Beep. Wakey wakey rise and shine. Woah don't the subways look busy for this time of day, and the streets are really happening. And the fish market, it's buzzing with activity! Plus something smells very fishy - and thats all the fish :-)


The gentle murmur of mens voices at the giant tuna auction sounds almost like monks chanting. But the peace is lost as soon as you step into the market place, people are setting out their stalls and you have to watch you backs because of the motorised carts rushing about delivering newly purchased fishies. Now normally the last thing you want to do at 6 in the morning is eat raw fish, which is why it came as a surprise to find that we were having a most enjoyable breakfast at the nearby sushi bar. It was actually delicious. Anyway, I'd love to tell you what happens next but i must must have a nap...

...zzzz...

Off to Kyoto on the Shinkansen (that's the 'bullet train') for a few days of temples, temples and more temples. When we left the subway somewhere in Kyoto and asked the guy behind the ticket counter where so and so street was, they had three people looking through maps and one on the phone to the hostel trying to get us directions. They even apologised that they'd taken so long (about 5 minutes), as they handed us precise instructions to get to our hostel. Very helpful those Japanese, it's such a huge change from China.

At the hostel we met up with Paul and Linda, who we'd met in Yangshuo (China), and wandered the city at a leisurely pace. Geisha hunting in Gion was fun if unproductive (back of one head in a taxi and a brief glimpse of one scurrying into a tea house were our only reward) looks like they're all hiding out in a nearby town called Nara...


Geisha and deer seem to be the speciality in Nara. The deer are friendly enough until you feed them. I was trying to go for the Ace Ventura look, which worked for the first 10 seconds. To be honest I think I just got unlucky, it had a weird look in it's eye from the start - I'll have to show the Benny Hill style video when I get back, at least it amused everybody watching.


They look harmless, just keep those biscuits well hidden.

There's temples in Nara too, it's actually why most people make a visit...


Biggest wooden building in the world right there, goes by the name of Todai-Ji. Inside it is an enormous Buddha and some scary looking wooden statues.

Before we go any further allow me to explain, we're not going round Japan looking at temples willy nilly. Oh no. Taking into account 2 things: 1 - there are a lot of temples about and 2 - we have already seen a lot of temples; we started enforcing a few criteria before it got plain silly. In order to get onto the shortlist a sight must meet at least one of the following criteria:
i) be the biggest, tallest, somethingest of its kind
ii) offer a previously unseen feature
iii) be very very cheap and easily reached

Ok. That said, we can offer to you...


A Zen Garden. Minimalist heaven, we haven't had one of those before!


Nijo Castle. It was only round the corner, and we'd walked past it plenty of times before we popped in. Nice too, it's got a 'Nightingale Floor'. It's a medieval burglar alarm - the floor squeaks when you walk on it. It's not just shoddy workmanship, it's a 'feature'. And finally...


The Golden Pavillion. It's a pavillion, and it's made of gold! Tick, and tick! OK, it's not actually made of solid gold, that would be silly (it's gold leaf at best), but it looks pretty good.

Finally, we had a day trip to Himeji. According to the guide book, if you only ever see one Japanese castle, make sure it's Himeji. Now despite the fact we'd already seen our fair share of castles...well OK, we'd seen one castle...we thought it worth a visit. It was only 2 hours on the train and what else were we going to do...


Look at that! Not bad at all. Worth another look we reckon...


So a day in Himeji looking at the castle and the gardens. We even tried to see a museum, but what would you know, it was closed for renovation. At least we tried :-) Back in Kyoto we spent the night in a Manga Cafe - it's what the trendy kids do, beats those Capsule Hotels hands down. You get your own booth with a padded floor, TV, DVD, Playstation, Internet, blankets, cushions and all the comics, magazines and films you want. And the drinks are free! You can have a nap (Jen) or play all night long (Me!).

Back in Tokyo we had another look round and generally wasted time until our flight to Hong Kong. We never did get to see Mt. Fuji, a rare sight it would seem, and we certainly got nowhere near climbing it. Having read the account of Paul and Linda I can't see we're too sorry to have missed out, we've had our fair share of mountain climbing.

So that was our quick tour of Japan. Two weeks, two cities and about two grand later (in Jen's words, watching our budget disappear faster than a biscuit in hot tea...) we're back on the road.

Almost forgot, we had to try the Sushi Train...


You've got to be quick. That trains almost as fast as the Shinkansen.

Thanks Col. I'm awake now. Where are we? Ah yes, cheaper climes, next stop - India.

Time to action Plan A: move on to Delhi asap.
The usually quick call to the airline turns into a 2 1/2 hour phone/fax marathon as I discover all my reservations have mysteriously been cancelled plus the flights to Delhi are fully booked. But we're seasoned travellers now so no worries. Effortlessly move to plan B: Fly to Hong Kong, change planes and fly to Bangkok (stay on the plane) and then on to Bombay.

At the check in desk in Hong Kong we're politely asked where our Visa for India is. A good question. with a not so good answer of 'uh-oh'. It's a Saturday so the Indian Consulate is closed until Monday. quickly make plan C: stay in Hong Kong for a couple of nights then fly to Bombay. That doesn't sound too bad.

However, the airline wants to charge through the nose to fly to Bombay, but Delhi on Monday evening is free! Airlines are a law unto themselves. Plan D: Delhi it is then, with brief stay in HK.

6 hours later we discovered all the Hostels and all the Hotels are full. Even the ridiculously expensive ones. We've tried telephoning, using the internet, reservations desk at the airport, and finally going door to door. A guy we met in a lift suggested we go to Mong Kok where you can rent hotel rooms by the hour.... Hmmmn. Surely we were not that desperate? It's getting dark...

... Plan E. Do you remember a few blogs back I met a whole load of new family? Cousin Natasha was pretty suprised to hear we were back in the country but rose to the occasion brilliantly. Sigh of relief. A couple of days in Hong Kong, free accommodation, and a fantastic (expensive) lunch courtesy of Natasha.

Monday morning, Indian Consulate. Visas are tricky things apparently and it will take a week to get one, plus a national holiday on wednesday so maybe even longer. By the time we get to India it'll be time to go home again. We're on the last leg of our RTW ticket and our last flight home is 6th November.

Time to formulate Plan F: f*&% it



So that my friends is why we're currently at Le Meridien Beach and Spa resort, Khao lak, Thailand. Twelve nights of luxury free courtesy of my hotel points, 3 pools, a private beach and endless sunshine... Come on now, we needed a Holiday :-)


Please excuse me... it's time for my Windsurfing lesson...

Crouching jen hidden toilet roll - China

Our trip into China began with a 24 hour train journey. If I'd had enough imagination I would have realised long before I needed the loo that squat toilets and moving trains don't combine well. Luckily we managed to take a picture of the facilities fairly early on in the day - so you can see for yourselves. Please excuse the blur, its hard to keep the camera still when the carriage is wobbling.


At that moment in time its all clean but basic. And basically difficult to use. Its a shame that you can't go for 24 hours without.

So, how about China proper? Well the Hostels are great and cater for us foreigners just fine. Sometimes squats, sometimes western toilets, sometimes even toilet roll - although that is a rarity and people do a roaring trade selling small packets of tissues. Facilites are nearly always clean, although they have yet to create drains that cope with toilet paper. Which reminds me - I recently got an email from a fellow traveller, Matt, on this subject. Poo is always a popular topic of conversation amongst travellers. This is what he had to say:
'As an Englishmen I live in daily hope that I am able to coincide my
'timings' with the occasional cleaning and emptying of crap bags, that in
theory takes place. Some hotels empty their bins during your visit- there is
nothing like visiting a water closet with such an overflowing bin.

Science has proved beyond doubt that a buttered piece of toast will always
fall butter side down. Unfortunately this particular law of physics does not
apply in the South American bathroom. Due to the inherent aerodynamic
properties impressed upon a piece of toilet tissue during its cycle of
existence, it will inevitably fall 'face' up.

Thanks for that Matt, and I'm glad you allowed me to share that particular observation with the Crouching Jen readers. The same physics hold true in the Far East by the way. I just wish that they'd discovered bins with LIDS.

But No. Its gets worse.

There are not enough words in the English language to sufficiently describe the horrors of chinese public conveniences. They take the word 'public' to new levels.

Imagine you're a disabled English traveller in Xi'an. You follow the signs to the disabled facilities - into the ladies toilets - and see the toilet before you in all its glory. Before you, and everyone else in the queue that is. With a row of sinks to the right and a row of too small for you to use cubicles to the left - the disabled squat sits with its handrails (or more accurately it squats) unfair and square at the end of the room, devoid of any screening. Horrified you look around. Hopefully you try to fit into a cubicle. Helplessly you realise its the only option. Thats when you catch the eye of the only other foreigner in the room.

We exchanged only a short glance but she positively SCREAMED 'help'. I tried to nod and smile encouragingly and pointedly looked to the side to give the illusion of privacy. Unfortunately the Chinese are known for their capacity to stare, especially at foreigners.

Anyway. Just when I was getting the hang of squat toilets and beginning to wonder what all the fuss was about - I visit China and discover where the modern squat originated from. Gone are the handy hoses with useful spray attachments. Squats come in a variety of types. Each of them with their own unique and disgusting selling points (DSP).

DSP #1: Low walls

Everyone is familiar with the concept of cubicles. They allow a bit of privacy right? Unless of course there's no door on the cubicle. And the walls of the cubicle are only hip height. And the chinese version of queing means that you stand right in in front of the cubicle you want to use, sighing and staring at the person currently using it. Talk about stage fright.

Here is nice clean example of DSP #1 taken at a Monastery we stayed in over-night. Luckily the ladies was empty at the time of this particular visit.


Note the foggy appearance. That'll be the fog coming through the glassless windows.

DSP #2: Communal drain

For this one you do at least have a proper cubicle with doors and walls. In the cubicle is a bin and running along the floor is what appears to be a stainless steel channel. The idea is that you straddle the channel. Do what you came to do. And leave.

Doesn't sound too disgusting yet, but I can see that you're already thinking one step ahead of me. Did I mention that the channel runs the full length of the room and doesn't contain any water?

Now theres a number of scenario's that can happen here. i] you can do your business then wonder how the hell you dispose of the evidence, or ii] You can be mid way through your performance when suddenly a 'river' appears beneath you complete with a strangers turd.

Either way is far from ideal. The single 'flush' button is handily placed, unlabelled, at the far end of the room by the exit door right next to the light switch. Which allows the added adventure of doing it in the dark.

DSP #3: Hole in the ground

This one is similar to DSP#1 without the added benefit of a porcelain footplate, flush or modern drainage. In fact it is a hole straight into the ground from which things are meant to 'seep' away, and you can smell them from about 50 metres. Enough said.


This is an example of DSP#3 taken on Mount Emei.

The Lonely Planet recommends that you practice holding your breath for extended periods of time or take up smoking. Preferably a really strong brand of cigarette that produces a nice personal fog.

On that note I'll leave you. All of you lucky buddhas within reach of a lovely clean, fragrant, private and fully flushing convenience, count your blessings.

I've been crouching Jen and you've been disgusted. Thanks for dropping by.

Jen
xx

The main attraction, in the red corner - China

So we caught the train from Hong Kong to Beijing and spent 24 hours as the local tourist attractions. They're not a subtle people, the Chinese, they just stare. The other thing you notice pretty quickly, and which explains a particular sign we saw in a restaurant in Malaysia, is the spitting. It's relentless. And it's not just the men - you'll hear somebody hacking up the biggest mouthful of phlegm you could ever imagine, and when you turn round, expecting to see somebody choking to death, there'll be a little old lady depositing half a lungful of mucus on the pavement. It's something you just don't get used to.


And so to Beijing. Soon to be famous for hosting the 2008 Olympics, the government is doing it's best to make sure everything looks just right. Unfortunately for us that means a lot of restoration work at the major tourist attractions, but don't despair, there were plenty of sights available to photograph for your viewing pleasure.

Let's start with Tian'anmen Square...


Ooops, sorry, that'll be a tour group. Get used to them, they're everywhere, sometimes with matching hats, always with a flag. We are SO glad we didn't take a tour. Let's try again, Tian'anmen Square...


Hmmm, big open space. In fact the biggest public square in the world with the National Museum on the left, Mao's Mausoleum on the right (slap bang in the middle of the square, somebody's ego needed one last massage) and the Monument to the People's Heroes between the two. The Great Hall of the People is just behind us, facing the museum, and out of shot on our left is Tian'anmen...


...the Gate of Heavenly Peace (Tian = Heaven, An = Peace and Men = Gate). Oh look, a picture of Mao. Heading through Tian'anmen takes us to the Forbidden City which was off limits to the public for 500-odd years...


That's the Meridian Gate and in front are the five bridges spanning the Golden River. But we can't hang around here all day, we've got lots to see.

The other big sight, in a direct line south of the Forbidden City, is the Temple of Heaven, where the emperors went to pray for good harvests (amongst other things). In fact, here's the Hall Of Prayer For Good Harvests - we've gone a little arty here, but as I had to wait for a whole load of tour groups to disperse before getting a clear(ish) view, it's going in...


They also had some unusual pavillions. Good for lazing around in - it was a very hot day...


Come on, follow the guy with the flag, we're off to the Summer Palace next.

North-west of Beijing (incidently that's Bei = North and Jing = Capital, as opposed to Nanjing which used to be the capital, Nan = South. See, it all makes sense.). The Summer Palace was where the Emperor went in the summer to escape the heat of Beijing - we spent an afternoon wandering around and barely saw half of it. Beats a caravan at Skegness...


And the canal runs all the way from the city, so he didn't even have to catch the bus.

This next picture goes in because we had to pay an extra 10 yuan EACH to go up (that's about 60p!). This is the expensive view from just inside the gate...


And lovely it is too, thanks Col. Is it time to go to the Great Wall yet?? I've been dying to see this since I was little (You're still little) Actually I think you'll find I'm averagely tall here in China (Whatever...short arse)

OK, since you're here now. Tell me Jen, just how big is the wall??...


(Sigh) If you're going to be silly about it I'll have to tell everybody myself. The Great Wall of China, or Wan Li Chang Cheng, is approximately Wan Li long. That's 10,000 Li to you and me, or about 3000 miles. The bit we saw at Mutianyu was about 2 1/4 kilometres long - it was plenty to walk along as once again it was roasting...


Standing on the ramparts you can almost imagine a tired invading army, having struggled for days over the forested mountains and valleys, finally reaching the summit of the final ridge only to find that some joker's built a bleeding wall there. D'oh.

One more picture, just to keep Jen happy...


And that's the wall. It's grrrreat.

We left Beijing on the train, heading for Xi'an (pronounced She-an). Xi'an is known as the home of the Terracotta Warriors. Discovered in the early seventies, they were built around 2000 years ago by the First Emperor of the Qin Dynasty. He was the first emperor to reign over a united China. Of course he didn't actually build them himself. That would have taken forever. Let's have a look...


Look at all of those. They're life size and apparently they all have different faces!! Who'd have thought. Also, there are still remains of the original paint when they're first dug up, but this soon degrades with exposure to the atmosphere and they look as you'd expect. Let's see one close up...


I'll let Jen tell you more about these later. We didn't see much else while in Xi'an, not that much can compare with the warriors, but we did go to the Big Goose Pagoda (I have no idea why they call it that), all seven-storeys...


and there are a couple of very impressive towers in the middle of town. The picture below shows the nice view, using some handily placed grass, and also the reality of the huge roundabout they've built around the Bell Tower...


Here's an interesting point that I forgot to mention earlier. If you look at the roof you can see a line of little figures (they're actually animals) that, as well as helping to keep the tiles in place, denote the importance of the building. The Bell Tower is an eight-er, which is pretty good going, I think the maximum is eleven which is how many the Hall of Supreme Harmony has (it's in the Forbidden City). I'd show you a picture, but it was being restored, and the picture hanging from the scaffolding really didn't do it justice.

After a few days in Xi'an we flew down to Chengdu to see pandas and potentially climb a mountain.

We stayed at Sim's Cosy Guesthouse which, true to it's name, was most cosy. Something else that was Cosy, was Cosy the pig...


She's a bit of a star, and unfortunately Jen now wants a pig. Can you house train pigs?? Anyway, while in Chengdu we went to the Panda Breeding and Research Centre. If you go early in the morning you get to see them having breakfast. If you go at any other time you get to see them sleeping. Decisions decisions. Just for you we put in a special effort...


Ain't they cute. With their big teeth and claws.

Chengdu is also the birthplace of Ma Po Tofu, which is apparently a famous spicy Tofu dish. The original restaurant, ran by Ma Po herself, is just round the corner from the hostel. A good excuse for a nice feed. And on the way there is the Wen Shu Temple - three storey, buddhist, too big to fit in the photo, enjoy...


About 130km from Chengdu is Emei Shan, one of the four sacred Buddhist mountains in China. Most of the Chinese tourists take the bus up to the cable car and then the cable car to the top. Most stupid foreigners try to walk it. We stayed the night at Baoguo before heading off for a day of walking. Baoguo Temple (Declare Nation Temple) is a good place to take a photo of the mountain - good job there was a sign there to tell me so...


It was kinda like climbing stairs FOR SEVEN HOURS. At first it was enjoyable - the scenery, the temples, the lack of tour groups. After two mostly enjoyable hours, some cheeky monkey tried to steal Jen's walking stick!!!


After four hours we were dearly hoping the estimate of six to eight hours was a gross exaggeration. After six hours we were beaten, dragging ourselves up step after god-forsaken step, dreaming of selling the house and buying a bungalow, wondering why we didn't listen to a whole nation of 1.3 billion people and take the damn bus. The monastery we stayed in was basic - well it was basically a building site. It didn't matter, they fed us and we slept, knowing there was still two more hours walking in the morning. The big thing about a trip to Emei Shan is seeing the sunrise from the top. It's a nice idea, most people miss it due to the huge traffic jams of buses all trying to get to the top at the same time. That and the almost permanent cloud cover. Rather than take the risk of being disappointed, we decided not to get up at 3am. When we eventually made it to the top at about 1.00pm (the queue of an hour at the cable car would have been annoying if we'd been trying to see the sunrise) there was plenty of lovely cloud to justify our laziness. There's an enormous statue at the top, along with various shops and restaurants, and of course temples...well worth 9 hours of hell...


We took the bus down.

From Chengdu we flew to Guilin, and from Guilin we headed straight down to Yangshuo where we stayed in the Yangshuo culture house. It was really a homestay, rather than a hostel, and Wei and family made everybody very welcome. There were lessons available in calligraphy, painting, language and various other chinese pursuits for those who wanted, but the highlight of every day was the huge evening meal they provided. The stuffed peppers were the best. We tried some calligraphy and painted some bamboo, here's Jen's effort...


Not bad. We can flog that down the local market to some other dumb tourists. Yangshuo is mainly known for it's scenery - lots of limestone stacks, the area round Guilin is the inspiration for the old chinese landscape paintings featuring steep mountains and cliffs (I can't guarantee this information, I'm just trying to justify going there). Have a look for yourself...


That's from the top of Moon Hill, I'll save the photo of Moon Hill itself for the upcoming slideshow (which, incidently, is currently numbering somewhere over 5000 photos. Be afriad, be very afraid!). From ground level it's looks more like this...


We had a pleasant day cycling around the countryside along the river and past paddy fields. And we had an interesting day in the Water Caves, one of the local big tourist attractions, which we visited with people we met at Wei's place. We were escorted around the underground tunnels by a guide who pointed out various rock formations and informed us that they looked like the tibetan plateau or a dog or buddha - he couldn't understand why we weren't taking it entirely seriously. It was most bizarre. The saving graces were the mud pool and the water pool. We spent half an hour diving into the water pool, and in the mud pool we just got dirty...


(Left to Right: Marie, James, Me, Jen, Pete, Linda and Paul)

Almost finished now. Finally from Yangshuo we headed to Shanghai, 29 hours on the train from Guilin. We'd learnt after our 24 hours of hard-seats from Beijing to Xi'an that a sleeper was definitely worth the extra yuan. And at 20-odd quid a throw it was a bargain.

And at Shanghai everything ground to a halt as we hit our travelling wall. We had plans to take day trips to a couple of places, but instead we just lounged around the hostel and took a couple of trips into Shanghai's main shopping district. Motivation had deserted us. As the saying now goes - we couldn't be buddha'd. And with that, this blog will also grind to a halt. I'll let Jen fill in all the fine detail I've missed out. Thanks for getting this far (sorry Sam, I tried to keep it short, but big country equals big blog, nothing I can do).

Thanks Col, but I think you've pretty much covered everything. I was going to add a bit about the bizarre bagged fruits we saw in Xi'an. I think they were pomegranites. Each fruit had its own clear plastic bag around it, hold on a sec did I take a photo? ah yes I did, it was taken from a moving bus so its not exactly in focus but I think you can just make out the fruit...


...are still on the trees. Odd. Very odd.

Other noteworthy points include the 2 dogs which sit outside every doorway. We realised that one always has a ball to play with while the other is stood on a puppy. Actually they're supposed to be lions and with a bit of reasearch we discovered that the ball signifies male playfulness while the cub signifies a lioness and maternal instinct. Here's one proud mommy in the forbidden city...

Doesn't she look motherly. Perhaps not. Ok, here's a pic thats sure to elicit some broody coo's and sighs...

How sweet is that. He's ony a few weeks old :-)
(Can you house train Pandas?)

And so on that note we'll round up the China edition of the blog. If you've ever fancied being in close proximity to fabulous sights and 1.3 billion people who think you're the main attraction - then China is THE place for you.

Thanks for reading the whole gubbins. Now please, seeing as you've got this far, you might as well leave a comment to prove it. You know we'll love you for it.

xxx

Crouching Jen Hidden Toilet Roll - Top Ten Thai Toilet Tips

For everyday mentions of pee (phi) and poo (phu) you just can't beat Thailand. It crops up in words and place names all the time; it's pee pee this and poo poo that. A toilet writers dream. You can learn a lot from observing the bathroom habits of a country (Eh? Like, what six months in the Bangkok Hilton feels like if you get caught observing? - Ed). So for the benefit of you lovely readers I've compiled a few observations. Welcome to The Thai Toilet Tips - Top Ten. Cue music...

Scraping in at 10: It must be a sign
Imagine. You've just arrived at Humpalong Railway Station, Bangkok, and you're unsure what to do. Never fear, help is at hand. All you have to do is follow the signs...


... feel better now?

A non-mover at 9: Pond life
Tiles are in and shower curtains are out and as for shower cubicles - they're so last month dahhling. All you need is a shower head fixed to the wall above an ordinary toilet and BINGO - instant shower room.

As long as the floor has a drain hole, you can put a shower head pretty much anywhere. The average drainage rate for the hole should be one cup of water per 15 minutes, so it's advisable to have wall tiles at least one foot high to hold the ensuing pond. Even better if you can slope the floor and place the drain hole at the raised end of the room.

A plastic bag is a must for keeping clothing and towel dry during the shower and may I suggest knee high fishermans waders as a useful addition - allowing you to use the bathroom during the 3 hours following a shower without getting wet!

Up five places to 8: Practice makes perfect
I once knew a woman who claimed to be able to have a shower during a commercial break and not miss a second of her programme. A talent I can only now fully appreciate.

All the cheapy accommodation has cold water - only. After careful consideration of the options I can now suggest the following guidelines for taking a cold shower:

>do not let the water run. Sometimes the water in the pipe has been warmed by the sun allowing approximately 25 seconds of valuable luke warm water at the start of the shower
>keep the water off your face. Did you know that the body has an automatic reaction to detecting cold water on the face - and that's to stop the heart. I first discovered this fact when doing my biochemistry degree and re-learnt it in Thailand. God knows what useful purpose it serves but it's useful to know when avoiding a heart attack in the shower
> be quick

New entry at 7: They might be giants
Thailand is a land of correctly sized people, somewhere hovering around the five foot tall mark. So I fit in perfectly. If it wasn't for the fact that I keep being mistaken for Thai, and given dirty looks because of the tall white feller with me (must get t-shirt with "I'm English, I am NOT a dirty whore" printed on it), I'd feel right at home. But I digress.

The owners of Great Bay Resort in Ko Pha Ngan are keen to keep the tourists happy and so have installed 'The tallest sink in the world' in order to cater for foreigners...


It's not often I get stand on tippy toes in order to clean my teeth.

Climbing to number 6: Feeling Freshy
It's hot. It's humid. And unless you live in a swimming pool - it's sweaty. So how come the locals look cool calm and collected while us foreigners look pink and uncomfortable. What's the big secret to keeping 'freshy' (as one local put it)?

Well apart from the obvious - shower 2, 3 or 4 times a day like the thai people do - the secret is to use talcum powder. Apparently its a big hit in thailand. I'd suggest johnsons baby powder for the comforting clean smell (You can get this in Boots the chemist of which there are branches all over) and using the word freshy as often as possible :-)

In at number 5: Bucket love
I've come to realise that the bucket is a much under-used and under-valued item in the Western world. In Thailand it has many uses and is usually the size of a beer barrel.

From the Malaysian edition of Crouching Jen you'll recall that the official purpose of the bucket is two-fold; you scoop up water from it using the shallow bowl in order to 'wipe', then you take several more scoops of water to flush.

I've also found it's invaluable for doing the washing. Clothes that is. If you're too cheap to pay for the laundry. Which we often are.

A former number one, now at 4: Feel the force
I think I mentioned the hose in the Singapore and Malaysian editions. It's still there, with dinky gardening-style shower head 'gun' and jolly useful for making everything within hosing distance nice and clean. I'm getting the hang of hoses now - for personal freshy, not just for rinsing the entire cubicle before you begin. And If you think about it - its really a much more hygenic option to wash when compared to having a waste basket full of used tissues in the room. The only thing I didn't manange to find out is whether Thai people carry towels with them. Judging by the number of flannels for sale I'd say they do....

But a word of warning; not all hoses are born equal. It's wise to test the strength of the water by aiming the gun at a non body part FIRST. Believe me.

Highest climber this week at 3: The great out-doors
It's good to take an open mind with you when travelling. Wide open. Sometimes the facilities are not quite the same as you'd get at home. For instance the shower in the jungle north of Chaing Mai was definitely lacking in the non slip rubber mat...


and there were no rubber ducks in the bathing facilities either....


Number 2: A wee story
Picture this: Long-boat trip around Ko Phi Phi, July, Monsoon season.

The sun is beating down and you're enjoying a little meander. Without warning the heavens open, the seas get choppy, and some israeli girl is indulging in a fish feeding frenzy over the side of the boat. The weather steps it up a notch. The little boat's heaving from side to side, you feel like extras in a film - the one where you're in a little boat in a storm and someone keeps throwing a bucket of water over you to demonstrate waves.

Luckily through the thunder and lightning you see you're just about close enough to Bamboo Island to be able to land. There you huddle round an impromtu camp fire which a local guy will promptly use to bbq squids. The clouds hang dark and low and the wind's having a whale of a time whipping up the sea. Eyes screwed up against the wind and rain you hear the fish feeding girl cry: "want to go phi phi, want to go phi phi, take me to phi phi" she wails dementedly. Captain smiles slowly and looks into the mist... "no see phi phi - no go phi phi".

Wise words to live by in any circumstance.

And still at number 1: If in doubt - hit it
It's no secret that spiders are not my thing. Especially huge spiders. Unfortunately Huge spiders ARE Thailands thing, and one the size of Colins hand (and he has big hands) was hugging a large detergent bottle in the bathroom of our little beach bungalow.

Luckily I spotted him before i began showering and quickly repaired to the outside of the bungalow from where I could direct proceedings:

"kill it"
"what now, did you see a little spider"
"kill it"
"I can't see it"
"kill it"
"F*** me!!!!!!!!!!!"
"oh you can see it now can you?"

There followed a few moments while Col got the camera then located the broom and began sweeping the spider in a obviously non threatening manner. Col would sweep, the spider would run out of one ventilation hole in the wall and back in through another. Col would sweep, the spider would run out of one ventilation hole in the wall and back in through another. Col would sweep...

"For godsakes stop brushing it it's not a bloody dog"
"I'm trying to, It's too fast"

Luckily my animated dancing from the lawn had attracted the attention of a number of laughing locals and passing man wearing a sheet wrapped nappy style and carrying a machette.

I did my spider impression.
Nappy man did a non-biting impression
I did the impression of being a very very big thing
Nappy man did a non-biting impression
I did my hysterical impression
Nappy man strode in and chopped the spider into pieces with a machette.
Col swept up the legs with the broom.

Time for a little demonstration of precarious balancing:


(Oy, are you trying to make me look stupid?...I see...Fair enough, carry on then. - Ed)

So there you go. That's Thailand for you. Full of surprises and toilets and smiles and men with machettes.

That's all folks, I've been Crouching Jen and you've been a terrific audience. 'Til next time, you stay classy THE WORLD!

xxx

Hong Kong - We got an upgrade!!

Cathay Pacific is now officially my favourite airline. They upgraded us to business class - it was my first time. The welcome champagne was a nice touch, as was the (very small) table cloth, and I especially liked the way they remembered everyone's name. I always knew food on planes didn't HAVE to taste as bad as it usually does. Just a shame the flight from Bangkok was less than three hours - I'm considering investing in a suit for future flights, I'm sure the extra booze available would justify the price...

Anyway, we're in Hong Kong! And who'd've guessed, it's baking hot!

Arrived late at night and just had time to wander the streets near our hostel. We seem to be in the middle of shopping heaven - clothes, shoes, phones, phones, more phones. I want gadgets, but I can't find anything that I just can't live without. Jen's got her eye on a tiny little laptop...we'll see.

We went down to the harbour and took the Star Ferry across to Hong Kong Island. It used to be the only way across to the island, but now they've got three tunnels as well. But it's still the cheapest - one thing we're learning on our travels is what crap value public transport is back home. The ferry costs about 12p.


Then we took the funicular (extortionate, well over a pound) up to Victoria Peak. You can see it in the previous picture - middle background, the big lumpy bit with the little pointy things on top.


Sorry about the glare, we'd escaped into Starbuck's air-con, which happened to have a great view all across the harbour. The book advised to stay until night for the best views, so we settled in...


Worth the wait. Here's one more from a different angle...


So what else did we do? Well, we wandered round the markets and as ever soon discovered that they repeat every 5 to 6 stalls or so. There must be agreements that the silk scarf ladies won't set up directly next to each other, and the watch people must have at least 3 stalls between each other, and god forbid if there are 2 fake handbag stalls within shouting distance. That obviously didn't stop us investing in all manner of useless tat, it's gonna be christmas soon after we get back, and some of you may be finding said useless tat in your stockings (especially if you don't start leaving comments - Michelle, Dave, Annie, etc. you know who you are!!)

This brings us to the highlight of our stay in Hong Kong - meeting Jen's extended family. Give us a wave...


Left to Right (I'd better get this right, here goes): Cousin Barry, with daughter Natalie and his wife Margaret, Auntie Anne, Cousin Malcolm (our host for the evening, thanks for the food) and daughter Hilary, Niece Natasha and us two.

Hilary and Natalie No.2 (friend of Hilary, taking the photo, and therefore not in the photo, obviously) came to meet us and took us off to a rather nice private club in Kowloon Tong to meet the family, and Jen's cousin Malcolm treated us to a rather civilised feed - not something we've been to used to over the last few months (thanks again, the sweet and sour was especially good I thought). Afterwards two of Jen's Nieces - Hilary and Natasha, plus Natalie (friend, not niece) took us over to Hong Kong Island for drinks and more food - if any of you find yourself in the Hollywood Road area look for Chocolux. It's down an alley and serves lots of chocolate based drinks and chocolate truffles and stuff. It's really quite good.

I think I'd better let Jen add some bits here - don't want to get in the way of family...

...and they kept us out till 3 in the morning finding more places to eat. Like a pub crawl but with a lot more munching. Smashing stuff. Despite the hour the cafe's are packed full of people ordering all sorts. It's a gastronomes paradise. I just wish I had a bigger appetite - I really didn't do it justice.

Families are family no matter how recently they've just been introduced so it wasn't long before we were discussing the relative merits of toilets in the west versus alarming ones in china they'd seen on recent visits. That, plus horror stories of travellers being kidnapped or conned, left us feeling well prepared for the next leg of the journey. (well prepared to give it a miss!)

But for now we are in Hong Kong - clean and organised with lots of transport - bus, tram, tube, ferry... so we wandered around trying it all out and using our new octopus travel card, which you can also use to pay for things in some shops too. Here's a quick look at a tram... which nows I come to look at it seems empty - It's all lies - the one we were on while I was taking this pic was packed solid.


She's right. The whole picture is in fact a lie. For a start you can see road and pavement, rather than cars and people, which is a rarity. The whole place is heaving - especially up around our hostel, which we were reliably informed is actually a bit of a dodgy area - there are signs advertising discount rates if you book your room for the whole night. At least they offer the rooms for two hours rather than just one. That would be a bit cheap.

By now we were starting to suffer from Temple Withdrawal Syndrome. So we took a quick dose of the Temple of the 10,000 Buddhas and started to feel a whole lot better. Just a short train ride and we were standing at the bottom of a whole load of steps leading up to what promised to be buddha heaven - or buddha nirvana I guess it would be. Anyway, there were allegedly a whole load of buddhas awaiting at the top. Just four hundred steps to go. Four hundred hot, sweaty steps. The things we have to go through to get these pictures (and not a commment to show for it blah blah blah...) At least we had company on the way up...


Not bad, that's a fair few buddhas for starters. And not just buddhas. Oh no, not here. They've also got.....a big blue dog!!!!!!


And more buddhas of course. Now, while they clearly have a whole load of buddhas here, in fact somewhere over 12,000 (most of them a lot smaller than the ones we've seen so far) they do appear to have been struggling a bit for ideas - all the big buddhas being different from each other. So, while there are plenty of perfectly acceptable variations on young and old buddhas, the pictures below show there are also some pretty lame excuses for buddhas...

(Click and it will grow)

Left to right we have: 1) For comparison, a nice old buddha 2)Rock Star Buddha? 3) Going for a paddle Buddha? 4) Getting desperate now - Really long arm Buddha! I mean. Really. And if that wasn't bad enough we have 5) Comedy fake poo Buddha (look at his hand). I rest my case.

Almost forgot - they had a decent pagoda too....


All in all, despite the heat and the steps, we were glad to have made the effort to come and see the place. The buddhas were impressive and occassionally amusing. You could say it was the big blue...


Which brings us nicely onto another addition of Kiddies Corner.

Silly names galore in Hong Kong. It really is too easy.

Jen insisted I took this picture, but I don't understand why...


Mong Kok was just the MTR station round the corner. Nothing funny there.

A couple of places not to shop. Don't buy your watches here...


And definitely don't get your clothes here.......


Enough of this childish drivel. I'll let Jen add some of her own.

How exactly am I supposed to follow that?

Well we followed it with another dose of family. We met up with Aunty Anne and Hilary for a bite to eat, then with Aunty Anne's guidance we tried out a shopping mall, stopped for ice cream, visited cousin Malcolms offices, went to the museum, stopped for a cuppa, tried out another shopping mall... and then just as we looked set to try a bit more shopping Aunty Ann (who is in her eighties after all) had to cry off because we'd walked the knees off her. We out shopped a shopper. Incredible.

Anyways, we can't hang around Hong Kong shopping forever can we? It's high time we checked out those horror stories for ourselves. Let's board the train to Beijing. We've splashed out on 'hard sleepers' (40 quid each) which means theres 6 bunks to a room and no door. I'm pretty adept at climbing up to the third tier bunk as it happens, maybe I was a monkey in a former life.

Settle in for a nice lie down, for say, 24 hours? And I do mean lie down, the bunks are not quite big enough to actually sit up in. I hope you've brought a good book, there's very little by way of entertainment on trains - the chinese of course don't need books, they've got you to stare at. You're the star act. See you in China!