Crouching Jen Hidden Toilet Roll - Top Ten Thai Toilet Tips
For everyday mentions of pee (phi) and poo (phu) you just can't beat Thailand. It crops up in words and place names all the time; it's pee pee this and poo poo that. A toilet writers dream. You can learn a lot from observing the bathroom habits of a country (Eh? Like, what six months in the Bangkok Hilton feels like if you get caught observing? - Ed). So for the benefit of you lovely readers I've compiled a few observations. Welcome to The Thai Toilet Tips - Top Ten. Cue music...
Scraping in at 10: It must be a sign
Imagine. You've just arrived at Humpalong Railway Station, Bangkok, and you're unsure what to do. Never fear, help is at hand. All you have to do is follow the signs...
... feel better now?
A non-mover at 9: Pond life
Tiles are in and shower curtains are out and as for shower cubicles - they're so last month dahhling. All you need is a shower head fixed to the wall above an ordinary toilet and BINGO - instant shower room.
As long as the floor has a drain hole, you can put a shower head pretty much anywhere. The average drainage rate for the hole should be one cup of water per 15 minutes, so it's advisable to have wall tiles at least one foot high to hold the ensuing pond. Even better if you can slope the floor and place the drain hole at the raised end of the room.
A plastic bag is a must for keeping clothing and towel dry during the shower and may I suggest knee high fishermans waders as a useful addition - allowing you to use the bathroom during the 3 hours following a shower without getting wet!
Up five places to 8: Practice makes perfect
I once knew a woman who claimed to be able to have a shower during a commercial break and not miss a second of her programme. A talent I can only now fully appreciate.
All the cheapy accommodation has cold water - only. After careful consideration of the options I can now suggest the following guidelines for taking a cold shower:
>do not let the water run. Sometimes the water in the pipe has been warmed by the sun allowing approximately 25 seconds of valuable luke warm water at the start of the shower
>keep the water off your face. Did you know that the body has an automatic reaction to detecting cold water on the face - and that's to stop the heart. I first discovered this fact when doing my biochemistry degree and re-learnt it in Thailand. God knows what useful purpose it serves but it's useful to know when avoiding a heart attack in the shower
> be quick
New entry at 7: They might be giants
Thailand is a land of correctly sized people, somewhere hovering around the five foot tall mark. So I fit in perfectly. If it wasn't for the fact that I keep being mistaken for Thai, and given dirty looks because of the tall white feller with me (must get t-shirt with "I'm English, I am NOT a dirty whore" printed on it), I'd feel right at home. But I digress.
The owners of Great Bay Resort in Ko Pha Ngan are keen to keep the tourists happy and so have installed 'The tallest sink in the world' in order to cater for foreigners...
It's not often I get stand on tippy toes in order to clean my teeth.
Climbing to number 6: Feeling Freshy
It's hot. It's humid. And unless you live in a swimming pool - it's sweaty. So how come the locals look cool calm and collected while us foreigners look pink and uncomfortable. What's the big secret to keeping 'freshy' (as one local put it)?
Well apart from the obvious - shower 2, 3 or 4 times a day like the thai people do - the secret is to use talcum powder. Apparently its a big hit in thailand. I'd suggest johnsons baby powder for the comforting clean smell (You can get this in Boots the chemist of which there are branches all over) and using the word freshy as often as possible :-)
In at number 5: Bucket love
I've come to realise that the bucket is a much under-used and under-valued item in the Western world. In Thailand it has many uses and is usually the size of a beer barrel.
From the Malaysian edition of Crouching Jen you'll recall that the official purpose of the bucket is two-fold; you scoop up water from it using the shallow bowl in order to 'wipe', then you take several more scoops of water to flush.
I've also found it's invaluable for doing the washing. Clothes that is. If you're too cheap to pay for the laundry. Which we often are.
A former number one, now at 4: Feel the force
I think I mentioned the hose in the Singapore and Malaysian editions. It's still there, with dinky gardening-style shower head 'gun' and jolly useful for making everything within hosing distance nice and clean. I'm getting the hang of hoses now - for personal freshy, not just for rinsing the entire cubicle before you begin. And If you think about it - its really a much more hygenic option to wash when compared to having a waste basket full of used tissues in the room. The only thing I didn't manange to find out is whether Thai people carry towels with them. Judging by the number of flannels for sale I'd say they do....
But a word of warning; not all hoses are born equal. It's wise to test the strength of the water by aiming the gun at a non body part FIRST. Believe me.
Highest climber this week at 3: The great out-doors
It's good to take an open mind with you when travelling. Wide open. Sometimes the facilities are not quite the same as you'd get at home. For instance the shower in the jungle north of Chaing Mai was definitely lacking in the non slip rubber mat...
and there were no rubber ducks in the bathing facilities either....
Number 2: A wee story
Picture this: Long-boat trip around Ko Phi Phi, July, Monsoon season.
The sun is beating down and you're enjoying a little meander. Without warning the heavens open, the seas get choppy, and some israeli girl is indulging in a fish feeding frenzy over the side of the boat. The weather steps it up a notch. The little boat's heaving from side to side, you feel like extras in a film - the one where you're in a little boat in a storm and someone keeps throwing a bucket of water over you to demonstrate waves.
Luckily through the thunder and lightning you see you're just about close enough to Bamboo Island to be able to land. There you huddle round an impromtu camp fire which a local guy will promptly use to bbq squids. The clouds hang dark and low and the wind's having a whale of a time whipping up the sea. Eyes screwed up against the wind and rain you hear the fish feeding girl cry: "want to go phi phi, want to go phi phi, take me to phi phi" she wails dementedly. Captain smiles slowly and looks into the mist... "no see phi phi - no go phi phi".
Wise words to live by in any circumstance.
And still at number 1: If in doubt - hit it
It's no secret that spiders are not my thing. Especially huge spiders. Unfortunately Huge spiders ARE Thailands thing, and one the size of Colins hand (and he has big hands) was hugging a large detergent bottle in the bathroom of our little beach bungalow.
Luckily I spotted him before i began showering and quickly repaired to the outside of the bungalow from where I could direct proceedings:
"kill it"
"what now, did you see a little spider"
"kill it"
"I can't see it"
"kill it"
"F*** me!!!!!!!!!!!"
"oh you can see it now can you?"
There followed a few moments while Col got the camera then located the broom and began sweeping the spider in a obviously non threatening manner. Col would sweep, the spider would run out of one ventilation hole in the wall and back in through another. Col would sweep, the spider would run out of one ventilation hole in the wall and back in through another. Col would sweep...
"For godsakes stop brushing it it's not a bloody dog"
"I'm trying to, It's too fast"
Luckily my animated dancing from the lawn had attracted the attention of a number of laughing locals and passing man wearing a sheet wrapped nappy style and carrying a machette.
I did my spider impression.
Nappy man did a non-biting impression
I did the impression of being a very very big thing
Nappy man did a non-biting impression
I did my hysterical impression
Nappy man strode in and chopped the spider into pieces with a machette.
Col swept up the legs with the broom.
Time for a little demonstration of precarious balancing:
(Oy, are you trying to make me look stupid?...I see...Fair enough, carry on then. - Ed)
So there you go. That's Thailand for you. Full of surprises and toilets and smiles and men with machettes.
That's all folks, I've been Crouching Jen and you've been a terrific audience. 'Til next time, you stay classy THE WORLD!
xxx
Scraping in at 10: It must be a sign
Imagine. You've just arrived at Humpalong Railway Station, Bangkok, and you're unsure what to do. Never fear, help is at hand. All you have to do is follow the signs...
... feel better now?
A non-mover at 9: Pond life
Tiles are in and shower curtains are out and as for shower cubicles - they're so last month dahhling. All you need is a shower head fixed to the wall above an ordinary toilet and BINGO - instant shower room.
As long as the floor has a drain hole, you can put a shower head pretty much anywhere. The average drainage rate for the hole should be one cup of water per 15 minutes, so it's advisable to have wall tiles at least one foot high to hold the ensuing pond. Even better if you can slope the floor and place the drain hole at the raised end of the room.
A plastic bag is a must for keeping clothing and towel dry during the shower and may I suggest knee high fishermans waders as a useful addition - allowing you to use the bathroom during the 3 hours following a shower without getting wet!
Up five places to 8: Practice makes perfect
I once knew a woman who claimed to be able to have a shower during a commercial break and not miss a second of her programme. A talent I can only now fully appreciate.
All the cheapy accommodation has cold water - only. After careful consideration of the options I can now suggest the following guidelines for taking a cold shower:
>do not let the water run. Sometimes the water in the pipe has been warmed by the sun allowing approximately 25 seconds of valuable luke warm water at the start of the shower
>keep the water off your face. Did you know that the body has an automatic reaction to detecting cold water on the face - and that's to stop the heart. I first discovered this fact when doing my biochemistry degree and re-learnt it in Thailand. God knows what useful purpose it serves but it's useful to know when avoiding a heart attack in the shower
> be quick
New entry at 7: They might be giants
Thailand is a land of correctly sized people, somewhere hovering around the five foot tall mark. So I fit in perfectly. If it wasn't for the fact that I keep being mistaken for Thai, and given dirty looks because of the tall white feller with me (must get t-shirt with "I'm English, I am NOT a dirty whore" printed on it), I'd feel right at home. But I digress.
The owners of Great Bay Resort in Ko Pha Ngan are keen to keep the tourists happy and so have installed 'The tallest sink in the world' in order to cater for foreigners...
It's not often I get stand on tippy toes in order to clean my teeth.
Climbing to number 6: Feeling Freshy
It's hot. It's humid. And unless you live in a swimming pool - it's sweaty. So how come the locals look cool calm and collected while us foreigners look pink and uncomfortable. What's the big secret to keeping 'freshy' (as one local put it)?
Well apart from the obvious - shower 2, 3 or 4 times a day like the thai people do - the secret is to use talcum powder. Apparently its a big hit in thailand. I'd suggest johnsons baby powder for the comforting clean smell (You can get this in Boots the chemist of which there are branches all over) and using the word freshy as often as possible :-)
In at number 5: Bucket love
I've come to realise that the bucket is a much under-used and under-valued item in the Western world. In Thailand it has many uses and is usually the size of a beer barrel.
From the Malaysian edition of Crouching Jen you'll recall that the official purpose of the bucket is two-fold; you scoop up water from it using the shallow bowl in order to 'wipe', then you take several more scoops of water to flush.
I've also found it's invaluable for doing the washing. Clothes that is. If you're too cheap to pay for the laundry. Which we often are.
A former number one, now at 4: Feel the force
I think I mentioned the hose in the Singapore and Malaysian editions. It's still there, with dinky gardening-style shower head 'gun' and jolly useful for making everything within hosing distance nice and clean. I'm getting the hang of hoses now - for personal freshy, not just for rinsing the entire cubicle before you begin. And If you think about it - its really a much more hygenic option to wash when compared to having a waste basket full of used tissues in the room. The only thing I didn't manange to find out is whether Thai people carry towels with them. Judging by the number of flannels for sale I'd say they do....
But a word of warning; not all hoses are born equal. It's wise to test the strength of the water by aiming the gun at a non body part FIRST. Believe me.
Highest climber this week at 3: The great out-doors
It's good to take an open mind with you when travelling. Wide open. Sometimes the facilities are not quite the same as you'd get at home. For instance the shower in the jungle north of Chaing Mai was definitely lacking in the non slip rubber mat...
and there were no rubber ducks in the bathing facilities either....
Number 2: A wee story
Picture this: Long-boat trip around Ko Phi Phi, July, Monsoon season.
The sun is beating down and you're enjoying a little meander. Without warning the heavens open, the seas get choppy, and some israeli girl is indulging in a fish feeding frenzy over the side of the boat. The weather steps it up a notch. The little boat's heaving from side to side, you feel like extras in a film - the one where you're in a little boat in a storm and someone keeps throwing a bucket of water over you to demonstrate waves.
Luckily through the thunder and lightning you see you're just about close enough to Bamboo Island to be able to land. There you huddle round an impromtu camp fire which a local guy will promptly use to bbq squids. The clouds hang dark and low and the wind's having a whale of a time whipping up the sea. Eyes screwed up against the wind and rain you hear the fish feeding girl cry: "want to go phi phi, want to go phi phi, take me to phi phi" she wails dementedly. Captain smiles slowly and looks into the mist... "no see phi phi - no go phi phi".
Wise words to live by in any circumstance.
And still at number 1: If in doubt - hit it
It's no secret that spiders are not my thing. Especially huge spiders. Unfortunately Huge spiders ARE Thailands thing, and one the size of Colins hand (and he has big hands) was hugging a large detergent bottle in the bathroom of our little beach bungalow.
Luckily I spotted him before i began showering and quickly repaired to the outside of the bungalow from where I could direct proceedings:
"kill it"
"what now, did you see a little spider"
"kill it"
"I can't see it"
"kill it"
"F*** me!!!!!!!!!!!"
"oh you can see it now can you?"
There followed a few moments while Col got the camera then located the broom and began sweeping the spider in a obviously non threatening manner. Col would sweep, the spider would run out of one ventilation hole in the wall and back in through another. Col would sweep, the spider would run out of one ventilation hole in the wall and back in through another. Col would sweep...
"For godsakes stop brushing it it's not a bloody dog"
"I'm trying to, It's too fast"
Luckily my animated dancing from the lawn had attracted the attention of a number of laughing locals and passing man wearing a sheet wrapped nappy style and carrying a machette.
I did my spider impression.
Nappy man did a non-biting impression
I did the impression of being a very very big thing
Nappy man did a non-biting impression
I did my hysterical impression
Nappy man strode in and chopped the spider into pieces with a machette.
Col swept up the legs with the broom.
Time for a little demonstration of precarious balancing:
(Oy, are you trying to make me look stupid?...I see...Fair enough, carry on then. - Ed)
So there you go. That's Thailand for you. Full of surprises and toilets and smiles and men with machettes.
That's all folks, I've been Crouching Jen and you've been a terrific audience. 'Til next time, you stay classy THE WORLD!
xxx
posted by Jen & Col at
11:38 pm
2 Comments:
funny post.. that sink was head height!! unbelievable.
Keep well,
Lewis
By
Anonymous, at 4:31 am
You know, I'm all for cultural diversity and what have you but I really think that the UN or someone should put nuclear proliferation in North Korea on one side and get down to the real issues, namely a world standard for sanitary ware. Life's difficult enough without wondering whether Armitage Shanks has a regional distribution outlet in the country one is visiting.
Spiders are another example. Why are they tiny and frightened over here and the size of dinner plates and scuttle-y over there? A standard insect would be so much easier to deal with. Really, a machete shouldn't be necessary.
In honour of the Literature Festival which is here in Cheltenham at the moment, a gold star for the creative invention in the blog and the consistently fine photos. Have I told you that I forward your funniest photos (ie 'go to toilet')to my goddaughter who contributes to her local parish magazine and often includes wacky pictures? Your pic will be delivered to hundreds of homes throughout Kent next week!
Excellent blog as ever x
By
Tom, at 3:24 pm
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